So this journal may jump into things but maybe I will return and give the start of the story.
Went out tonight with friends. There's a girl in the group that I got close too, but we had some talks because she's currently committed in a long-term type relationship but she's not sure of it. So in my mind I'm thinking I'll give all the space that's required and hopefully it'll end and then I can be with her... and she seems to hint at that but obviously won't state that. Nor would I want her to.
But the problem is that I'm trying to kinda back away for a bit but I sit with people and watch her interact with others.... And I've started to wonder if I really should be waiting. Seeing how she flirts with others seems playful and harmless but I'm wondering how much I would rationalize that if I was in a relationship with her...
I don't consider myself violent or jealous in an extreme sense regarding matters like this, but I can imagine that I wouldn't exactly be pleased.
I respect her as a person and see that she is responsible so I know that she won't cross any major lines and cheat but I still think I may find myself with issues if her behaviour was to continue even if she entered a more "tangible" relationship.
I really didn't want to feel that I was waiting for her at all, as to avoid a let down.
We talked and I know she really likes me and apparently in a pretty significant way, but I'm wondering if things could ever work.
I don't know her exact intentions regarding her relationship and I don't know if her feelings for me would change, although she seemed to think they wouldn't. I also don't know how much longer I can keep going on with my current plan of hanging around with her, but trying to keep some distance.
Tonight she was closer to a friend that likes her but she's not interested. In my emotion-laden male eyes that looked like competition but in my eternal struggle for rationalizing I figured that she heeded my suggestion of "If you don't wanna be with me right now, stop holding my hand" I told her this because I can't stand feeling dragged along and this is why I've felt like running away and coming back to find her someday.

She's the most amazing girl that I have ever met and I use words carefully so the magnitude of that sentence is meant completely. However, the current progress of events has not had me accepted or rejected and it's leaving my mind in neutral and I'm just going crazy. I beginning to have doubts over whether the relationship would work out at all and I hate that I'm beginning to feel resentment towards her because of it. The one thing I've been trying to tell myself is to wait until we return to school to see what happens with her and the guy. Until then, I shouldn't let my thoughts and analysis destroy the situation. I have to get back to school to spend more time with her in a natural setting and to see what my feelings tell me. Because no matter how annoyed I get over the current events, when her eyes meet mine and she smiles, all the bad thoughts disappear.